Storybook Love
"...Anyway, Stepphycups mourned her butt off for Christly; until she was summoned to the Royal State House of Florin, Ohio. State Official Government Guy, Prince William Regal The Stuffy, had been searching the countryside for a bride. After several...unpleasant...incidences involving lunch carts and air rage, Prince William settled on Stepphycups as his bride to be.
Now, Stepphycups didn't have much of a choice in the matter; when a Royal Head of State Told you what to do in ye olden days, you just did it, or you ended up like Ann Bolling..."
"Bolyn," Jeff said crossly. Matt rolled his eyes, having been jaunted from his reverie. He made a quick slicing motion across his throat.
"They didn't like upity little blond men back then, either." He pointed out flatly.
Jeff gulped and Matt triumphantly continued,
"So Stepphycups moved into the Royal Appartments, where she was treated...well, like a Princess. Not one second of the day went by without rose petals being thrown under her toes; her hair was rinsed in cream, and her shins were pampered with royal jelly."
"Didn't that make her happy? She wanted to be pampered, didn't she?"
Matt shook her head, "Nope, my mentally impoverished bro; she hated it. You see, Stepphycups had been forced to do chores as a child; as rich as her parents were, they always made sure that she knew how to do such valuable tasks as scrub out Ye Ole Privy Hole with a horsehair brush..."
"Lovely," Jeff winced.
"Anyway, Stepphycups' sole pleasure remained in the rides she took upon her noble steed every morning. During such a ride, her horse was intercepted! And she was dragged away into the dark night by a very tall man with huge hands and an ill-fitting codpiece, a whiny, bald man with a southern accent, and a balding and very loud man with a New of York Accent, who wore Caps of Baseball to hide his tremendous Spot of Bald!
***
"She was kidnapped by Larry, Moe and Curly?!"
"NO!" Matt snapped, "She was kidnapped by Regal's henchmen! Prince Regal, you understand, simply did not like his silk sheets creased..."
"He didn't like nookie?!" Jeff scoffed, "That's impossible! Who DOESN'T like nookie?!"
"Let's pretend that Regal doesn't," Matt rubbed his own throbbing temples, "Look, you're getting a little excited, Jeffery. We don't want those germs to start multiplying; there isn't enough space in your head for them AND your brain to coexist peacefully!"
"No!" Jeff cried, "I'll be quiet, I promise!"
Matt sighed, "As I was saying..."
***
"The next thing Stepphycups was aware of was the pounding of the ocean by her head. Groaning, she rose to the surface of consciousness; well, let's just say that being slapped across the face by a palm the size of a flounder'll wake ANYONE up.
She started to wakefulness as a hood was yanked from her head, exposing her to daylight.
"IN-CON-CIEVABLE!" The short, ballcapped one cried, "We've held this broad here for five damn nights and days and we STILL don't have ransom on her!"
"You sure this is REALLY the Princess Bride?" The tall one asked; Stepphycups could still feel the sting of his wakeful slap, "Maybe she is; I heard they bruise real easy.."
"She doesn't bruise easily, you dundering doof!" His boss snapped, "You beat the crap out of her dragging her into the boat!"
"Hey, I'm sorry, but this is the maiden Plot Twist's first voyage! We needed to christen her with something!! Right, Stevigo?"
"Aye, Showzick," Sighed Stevigo, "We COULD have used one of my beers..."
"Oh no! He's staring again!" Moaned The Boss.
"....Wherever you are, six-egoed man, I will find you!!"
"Oh, I can't take it anymore! I say we dump the broad overboard and row back for shore! I'm cold, I'm wet, and there's no one here to respond to my various witty remarks!"
"Whaddya mean? You said we'd get paid!" Piped Showzick
"And laid!" Stevigo added
"Right here in this everglade!" Showzick and Stevigo said together.
"Argh! I can't stand it! Your endless rhyming! And we're in the middle of Lake SetDesign!"
"Aww, boss!" Showzick complained.
"Go floss," Suggested Stevigo helpfully.
"Mark my words, You'll pay for your insolent use of geographical ignorance. But first," He turned menacingly to Stepphycups, "Princess or no, I'm getting out of here!" With that, The Boss grabbed Stepphycups and began to hurl her over the side of the boat.
"You will regret this," Stepphycups remarked coldly, "My fiance is the bravest and truest man in all of this land. If he has to go to the ends of the earth, he will find you..."
"Aww, will you just shuddup!" The boss cried, dumping Stepphycups into the icy water. He watched with satisfaction as she sunk momentarily to the bottom of the ocean; but, to his horror, she bounced back up to the surface, boobs-first.
"Hah!" she sounded, "I'm willing to wager that you weren't aware that these things also work as a floatation device!"
The Boss gaped in horror, "In-CON-cievable!"
"I may be soggy, nay, bogtrodden! But my fiance shall find me, and he shall ever punish you, for this is my best riding outfit! He likes to wear it on weekends...now what are you staring at?"
"NOTHING!" All three men cried. Just then, a shrieking noise came from far off into the water. Startled, Stepphycups tried to turn toward the sound, but her arms were firmly bound; all she could do was tread water.
The Boss began to laugh! Laugh as he'd never laughed before, almost to the point where his little bald, mamma's boy body couldn't handle the strain. The shrieking began again, closer to Stepphycups than before. She could have sworn that this time it was in the form of a word. Slut! She swore she heard...
"Do you hear that, Princess?!" Snorted the Boss, "Those are the Shrieking Marks! They call you to your doom! Ravenous, hungry, pissed off creatures thirsty for your blood!"
The shrieking began again, defiantly; it most certainly was saying slut!
Stepphycups' head fell, "If I am to die by their hand, than it is a noble death! For I die with my true love in my mind and heart."
"Ugh; row faster, you nascent nincompoops!" Cried the boss, "I must wash the sugary sweetness of her words from my ears!"
"And all Stepphycups could do was tread water as the Shrieking Marks began calling closer and closer to her form..
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