Senorita with a Necklace of Tears
Onanisim (v)-(Oh-NAN-izum): The Act of Self-eating.
She's not going to kill herself.
I've seen suicidal. Back in nursing school, it was one stop on an endless highway of physical and mental infirmities. Cold, physical facts are what science is made of, and I'm more than used to the art of looking down the cold barrel of a microscope to watch fluttering cells mutate, reproduce, only to consume one another.
We are in a constant struggle to avoid eating ourselves, I think. Is it any wonder that I ran away from the medical profession to play dress-up for a living?
Anyway, I know she's not going to kill herself; her behavioral patterns don't match those of a suicide victim. It's something that either tries to gather itself in secret or wildly announced as a bid for attention. Most of the time, she's a lump.
"I just want to sleep," She says. And then she'll bury herself underneath a mound of quilts, allowing one or two strands of hair to line pillows beneath her. Fire raining down, into the smoke of the sheets.
I know why ; because she believes in sleep. Sleep will protect her, sleep with save her. Sleep will take away the stain of losing Misha.
I think it would be better for her to face the world. Just get over it. I loved and wanted Misha so much, but it's not my fault that she's dead. The world is not a controllable force.
These are emotions, which can even less be controlled. I can't do anything but watch Lita flounder in her despair. And it all reminds me of when we first met.
She was so earnest, fierce, that I didn't have time to consider the weighty fact of this being my first lesbian relationship. Suddenly I was caught in her maelstrom, in her social circle. I know more about Jeff Hardy's relationship problems than any woman on the planet. I know what it's like to listen to Matt whine on for hours a day about why Stacy Kiebler won't give him the time of day.
Lita is a life force. I see her as a life force of unpredictable heat and passion. That's why seeing her lying in that bad hurts me so much.
But she'll get better. She's too strong for this. That's the way it's always been. That's the way I need it to be.