Conquests of a Stud Monkey
"....And then Dreamer says 'hey, that's not MY dildo'..."
"Can't use the word dildo."
"Can't use the word?"
"Can't even use a dildo. S&P will slaughter us..."
He yanked in frustration at a dreadlock. "Damn it...think. Think, think think..."
His partner looked hopeful, "A gigantic, cannibalistic Winnie the Pooh!"
"What?!"
"You can't picture it? We put Spanky in a big yellow suit and...ah, shuttup.."
"What time is it?"
"Four."
"Good, it's time for lunch."
"No, it's four in the morning. Want me to send Kelly through a drive-through and get us some flapjacks?"
"Flapjacks?! I want to keep my body in shape.."
"Oh yeah...for that push they keep promising you..."
"It's going to start any day!"
"Right.."
"ANY DAY."
"I hear you," He tilted his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "OK, skits one-through-three are written. Scene Four: Torrie Wilson is walking down a hallway. She's wearing a sting bikini. Her father, Al, is standing in front of the craft services table. They bump into one another and she says something poignant.."
"Nice hooters!"
"Wrong! She says 'Daddy, I love you, but I don't want you seeing that Dawn tramp anymore...'"
"Tramp...Dawn...OK..."
"Then Al says something repulsively stupid."
"Nice hooters!"
"NO! Not repulsive enough!
"Hrmm..he lies to her...says that he's dumped her.."
"'I...dumped...her..'"
"Then Dawn Marie emerges from the shadows..."
"...Naked..."
"And smiling."
He grinned, putting the finishing touches on the script before them. "Well, that's ten minutes."
"Ten more skits to go. They're paying you overtime for this?"
"Are they paying you?"
"No."
"Me neither.."
"Liar!"
"Look, I'm not lying...Let's just get through two more scenarios and we can crash at the hotel."
"Fine...Shawn Michaels is wheeling down the rampway. He goes on some sort of endless spiel, which he'll make up himself and Vince will approve of.."
"You sound bitter."
"Oh, I'm not bitter; getting a twenty-minute character-building speech extracting quotes from Cummings cut down to ten minutes because Stephanie wants to bore the entire audience with her breast implants."
"Easy, Tonto..."
"EASY?! My career is going down the toilet!!"
"Are they paying you?"
"Yes."
"Do they still put you on TV, even though they shouldn't?"
"Yes...what do you mean?"
"Then you're fine. Now, Shawn Michaels..."
"Yes, he does all of that and then Triple H comes out and blah blah blahs...Why does he want everything scripted for him?! He rejects it five minutes before he goes out..."
"Do what I do; write them in French..."
"French?"
"He doesn't even read the scripts.."
"I don't know French!"
"Just...another thing I used to do: use the time to write your autobiography."
"Isn't anyone going to notice?"
"The is the WWE; details are stupid things."
"You mean to tell me that you wrote your autobiography in the place of Hunter's dialogue in every script, and no one's noticed yet?"
"Nope."
"Prove it to me."
"Fine...take this and flip to page five..."
"Yeah, OK, and..."
"And read what I put beside Hunter's name."
"'I was born the son of a farmer in El Passo' -holy shit, you really did do it..."
"Ten years running, my friend."
"...This isn't half-bad, either..What are you calling it?"
"The working title is 'Squaring the Circle: My Life In The Ring.'"
"Mmm..got any sex in it?"
"I suppose I...what?!"
"Sex; if you want it to see, it's gotta have sex in it."
"Excuse me! Not everything in this world has to be sexually provocative to make its point."
"Name one thing!"
"The Bible!"
"Lot's daughters. Try again."
"Mother Goose!"
"Uh...well...that Little Boy With The Plumb thing's pretty smutty!"
"Oh, excuse me...I forgot that everything in the whole world is about sex!"
"Now, now.."
"Sex! Sex! Sex! Well, let me just re-name this baby!"
"'Conquests of a Stud Monkey'?! Isn't that the working title of Lex Lugar's autobiography?"
"Arrgh!"
"Well, don't worry; there's got to be some sex in there somewhere...I've read Missy Hyatt's autobiography..."
"Yeah...aren't you in that?"
"Yup. But she's wrestling's Grand Central; where we've all met at least once before."
"Can we just finish these scenarios?"
"Fine."
"Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are sitting in a locker room. They recap their angle with The Big Show. Suddenly, Stephanie McMahon bursts into the room and say something shocking."
"'I'm A Good Actress!'"