Breaking Up, Looking Back
You get choices in this life, between dying and living. It took me almost ten years to make mine.
Time stretched out between my first choice and my second, and there were a few turn-off points on the grand highway from fame and opportunity.
When I stood small, the dream was to nurture. I fed sick animals with bottles, watched them grow, felt their hearts beat under my hand. I thought that I would become a veterinarian.
Before hormones took me over.
That was my first choice; between becoming a doctor or being with the man I love, night and day. I chose to be with him.
I don't think I regret it. But that choice brought about so many sacrifices, the sort I still bleed from. One by one, the important pieces fell from my hands.
First, my dream of a stable home. Then, my wish for children. My health, my relationship, my reputation. At last, I lost my health.
I'm sitting here against a crutch, watching my boyfriend snore. I know now he'll never marry me.
I realize how hard it is to feel sorry for me. No one feels sorry for the pretty, blonde cheerleader who turned into a cover model, and if she caused her own pain, then it's only what she deserves. But you don't know how I've sacrificed to put a little glamour in your lives.
And still I'm sitting here, listening to Chris snore.
Wondering if it would be a crime to hold a pillow over his face. Just for a little while. Just to disturb his dreams as harshly as he disrupted mine.
But you don't get a dress rehearsal in life. I made my own choices, and now I have to stew in my present.
The reason why I'm taking to the air; the reason why I've decided to spend my life bouncing from city to city. I love him with my all of my heart, but I can't wake up every morning to face my wrecked dreams, my spoiled future.
The horizon forgives everything. It doesn't even know your name.