Boys on the Side
Her phone jangling to life at the most inopportune time, Ivory almost choked on a mouthful of linguine alla carbona from the shock. Under the giggling of her tablemates, she managed to withdraw the thing and press the "Accept" button.
"Honey, do you want double-ply or scented?"
"What?!"
"Uhhh..I mean, Double-ply or scented...what's best to..you know...use in the woods?"
"Steven, it's toilet paper, it all ends the same way."
"I thought I'd ask. You're always so fussy about stuff like that," He said defensively, "So, how's your 'Girls night out' going?"
"We haven't even started yet!" She sighed, "They just gave us our entrees!"
"They didn't make you catch it yourself?"
"STEVEN!"
"Let me handle this," Stephanie said coolly, co-opting Ivory's phone and pressing it to her ear, "Steven, Kurt, Duane and Steve are in the middle of the woods foraging for food as of this morning, and you're supposed to be with them. Why are you, oh, not?!"
"They kicked me out of the cabin an hour ago. Something about being too cheerful... had to sell my underwear to a park ranger to get back to civilization."
Stephanie pointed to the phone and mutely mouthed, "I don't believe this shit!" Ivory muffled a giggle.
"Stephanie, you still there?"
"Yes, Steven. I'll give you back to Ivy now." She sipped at her wine as the phone passed back to Ivory's hands.
"Bye, honey! Have fun in the woods!"
"Um...yeah! Bye!" He hung up quickly.
Ivory frowned as she placed the phone back into her pocket, "Funny, it sounded like he was in a supermarket."
"Um..honey...I don't know how to tell you this, but he was in a supermarket."
Ivory groaned, rubbing her temples, "I spent four hours trying to teach him how to pitch a tent and he quit a day into the trip?"
"No, the boys kicked him out..."
"..I'm betting it was Duane," Lilian offered, "That man cannot stand it when someone messes with his beef jerky."
This set Debra to laughing, "Or maybe he touched one of Steve's guns. I can't even get near those things. He throws a tantrum when I touch them."
All of them giggled appreciatively, continuing their meals, "Mmmmm...Walnut chicken; the Gods must've created it..." Stephanie sighed appreciatively.
"It can't be as good as this grappa chicken..." Lillian held out a forkful, "Here, taste," She plunked it on Stephanie's plate.
Cautiously, Stephanie placed the chicken in her mouth. Her eyes flared, "That's incredible!"
"It's also steeped in wine," Lilian giggled, "All the alcohol's cooked out of it. That's why I'm drinking this stuff," She patted her glass of wine.
"Thanks for picking up the bill tonight, Steph," Ivory added.
"S'nothing," Steph said, her eyes glimmering, "Just the last hundred or so bucks I had from Hunter."
Debra almost choked on her wine, "You didn't..."
Stephanie giggled, "It was a joint account, and, legally, half of his money's mine."
"Toast!" Ivory demanded, as she raised her glass. All of the women grabbed their own glasses, "To Stephanie, who knows how to yank on a purse string."
"Stephanie! Stephanie!" They all giggled, clinking glasses.
Debra frowned as the smooth, polished surface of the wine in her glass darkened under the shade of another. A rather tall, bald-headed biker stood behind her. His eyes were beady and piggish; he seemed to be drooling at the sight of all of them at one table.
"Debra!!" He blubbered, "You're my favorite Diva! Would you mind signing this?" He handed her a napkin. Smiling with painful politeness, she leaned against the table, signing it quickly. She felt him breathing down her neck; her table companions tittered nervously as he leaned in closer and closer to her body...
Whipping around (and in the process, smacking him across the face with her hair), she handed him his napkin back, "Y'all watch Monday night Raw every Monday, don't forget that!"
"No one's going to believe I saw you!"
"Aww!"
"No, really, the guys at work will never believe that I..."
Fed up, Stephanie yanked her turtleneck upward, exposing her bra to the gawking biker's eyes. Neatly shoving her shirt back down, she plunked the last bit of her meal into her mouth. Lilian's jaw had dropped as wide as the now-retreating biker.
"Why did you do that?!" Lilian hissed.
"He kept saying no one would believe him," Steph said gleefully, "I wanted to make sure that no one would."
Ivory was laughing, hard, and Debra was just shaking her head. "I don't know whether that was gutsy or stupid, girl. If I ever did that, Steve'd go out and buy me a nun's habit."
"That's because your husband's a product of a little, itty-bitty southern town," Ivory said, "Try growing up like me, in the midwest in the seventies; I'm luck I'm not walking around in starched petticoats."
Debra shook her head, "I just don't understand him sometimes," She watched as Steph slipped a hundred-dollar bill between the leather-bindings that held the check, "He's all fine for me showin' my goods to the nation; but wearing a lace top in front of his parents Is sinful?"
"How sheer was the top?" Lilian shrewdly asked.
"Well, you couldn't see...you know..." Debra quaffed her wine, "He's just got too many different sets of morals sometimes. Maybe I'm just different; everything's easier when you grow up in the Big Easy.."
"Including the girls?" Steph teased under Debra's glare, "Aww, don't get pissed at me, Deb."
"No," She sighed, then an idea seemed to pop into her head, "You know what I should do? I should get lil' Stepphie into the beauty pageant circuit."
Stephanie was aghast, "No!"
Debra sighed as the group stood up and collectively moved to the door; Stephanie was always sensitive about the way her two-year old Godchild and namesake was being raised, "Steph, I grew UP on the pageant circuit! I don't think being..."
"Magnolia Princess and Snow Bell Queen, circa 1970-something," The four women recited together.
"...hurt me at all!"
"Three words: Jean-Benet Ramsey."
Debra's expression sickened, "Good point. But I really wanted to pass my crown down through the generations.."
"Those pictures of you in feathered hair will be enough thanks for all future girls in the Williams family."
Debra shook her head, used to Steph's gentle teasing. The four women strolled side-by-side down the sidewalk. Suddenly, Steph became pop-eyed and squealed, dragging her friends into a brightly-lit club.
"Oh no," Ivory tried to pull away from Steph's death grip, "No karaoke again!"
Steph pouted, "You're not being any fun, Ivy; you're turning into a stick-in-the-mud like Steven."
Ivory rolled her eyes, "If you, my dear, knew anything about Steven's stick, and how well it sticks inside of MY mud, you'd change your tune," She pulled away from Steph's grip, "I need a beer; want me to sign us up?"
"ONE SONG!" Lilian called after her, over the noise, "I need to save my voice for Monday!"
"Your voice for Monday and everything else for Sunday," Noted Debra wryly, linking arms with Stephanie and plunging them through the crowd, trying to find a decent space on the tacky, crowded floor of the club. Lilian followed, blushing.
"Ah, to be that young 'n' in love again," Steph joked Lilian as they found some empty barstools, "It's heading up on six months for you two, isn't it?"
"Yup," Lilian smiled, as Ivory reappeared and handed her a beer, "And I have yet to meet his mother."
Debra almost choked on her beer, "Put it off as long as possible," She advised her.
"That's the best thing about being with Steven," Ivory noted wryly, wiggling her brow, "No wicked mother in laws. No mother-in-law, period."
The tone of a cell phone once again began to buzz underneath the din of the club's noise, "It's mine," Debra announced, unfolding her phone.
"I don't know why I bothered to check; 'The Yellow Rose of Texas'?" Lilian asked, amused.
Debra smiled as she pressed the phone to her ear, "Steve?"
"How'd ya know it was me?" Steve asked her.
"Who else would be calling me at...one A.M?! What are you doing up?! You were supposed to be up at the crack of dawn!"
"Um...I couldn't sleep...and Duane shot a grunion a few minutes ago!"
Debra laughed out loud, "I've been shooting since I was six and you expect me to buy the grunion story?!"
"OK...I...wanted to ask your advice..."
"Advice?! Steven John Williams, have you been drinking again?"
"Nah, I really do need your advice...it's about...woman's stuff.."
"Ahh...well, go ahead; but speak up, this crowd's getting a little loud." She blocked her free ear with the palm of her free hand.
"IF YOU CATCH A BIRD ON THE SIXTH, AND YOU STICK IT IN ICE UNTIL THE EIGHTH, WILL I GET SICK IF I TRY TO EAT IT ON THE NINETH?!"
Debra winced, "Jeasus, Steve, not THAT loud!"
She could hear him groan over the line, "You're damned hard to please, woman."
"I know," She smiled, "Your answer's 'yes'."
"YES?!" His husky voice did something it rarely did; went up another octave, "How the hell am I going to...ah, nevermind, Deb; enjoy your woman's night out thing.."
"Don't eat that bird Steve...I mean it...STEVE!" She grunted and hung the phone up, "I married a man that can whip sausage up from a hunk of dead deer, but put a bird in front of him and he panics..."
"Sounds like Duane; replace 'bloody action film' with 'bird'." Lilian joked. A group of boys came strutting off of the stage, their act completed. A digital ticker over the stage blinked the number "Six".
"Six!" Ivory announced, "That's us!". Lilian grunted reluctantly as they left their empty glasses on the bar and traipsed over to the stage; Stephanie was rapidly heading towards casting her third sheet into the wind. She would have to pick up the slack vocally; Lilian knew this, but give Stephanie a microphone when she's drunk, and...
"HEEELOOOO LAS CRUCES!!" Stephanie bellowed into the microphone, which squealed in protest, "Are you ready to ROCK?!!" The crowded club stared back at her; shitfaced and goggle-eyed, "YOU! THE FAT GUY IN THE DEEP-SPACE NINE SHIRT! ARE YOU?!"
At her words, the feisty beat of Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" blared from the speakers; Stephanie almost tumbled from the stage in shock; Ivory yanked her back up and smiled nervously at Lilian, who already knew all of the words.
"Just follow my lead and 'Oh'," Lilian whispered out of the side of her mouth before delving into the lyrics.
"On the floor of Tokyo
Or down in London town to go, go
With the record selection
With the mirror reflection
I'm dancing with myself,"
She made a turn in mid-step, trying to drag her friends into a dance; Debra, picking up on her pagent training, instantly knew what to do and followed her, heels clip-clopping along.
When there's no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long
For my love vibration
And I'm dancing with myself," Debra chimed in, using a posh, sexy singing voice; Lilian swiftly reclaimed the lead with the chorus,
"Oh dancing with myself,
Oh dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself."
Her backup singers obediently "Oh"ed along with the music, to Lilian's pleasure. Then Ivory snuck up and stole the next verse,
"If I looked all over the world," Ivory growled, "And there's every type of girl" This earned her the shouts of a table of admiring women.
"But your empty eyes
Seem to pass me by
Leave me dancing with myself..
Stephanie pushed her way to the front of the group, growl/singing (Which sounded better when it wasn't mired in a ballad):
"So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
And I'll be dancing with myself" Then she bellowed into Lillian's ear, "TAKE IT HOME, LIL!!"
Lilian grinned, taking the chorus quickly, which dovetailed into a series of "Ohs" that her backups aptly handled. She was into it by now, dragging Stephanie and Ivory into it for for a repeat of their verses, twice; they had to let a jealous Debra handle a set of ad-libs that sounded more like "Sweat" than "Scat". They managed to finish it together as a giddy, happy chorus of noise, which Stephanie ended on a rather loud, protracted "Oh" that almost shattered Lilian's eardrums.
Triumphant, the women left the stage; it was the shortest burst of applause any of them had ever received in their lives, but they were all pretty satisfied with the way things had gone.
Ivory felt a hand tugging at her own, "Hey, you were great; if you're ever in the market for a new girlfriend after the blond dumps you, gimmie a call," said a smarmy, sloppily dressed woman seated by the door; she was of the same party that had enthusiastically screamed for Ivory's "Every type of Girl" line.
"Hey....uh, thanks..." She took the number and clung to Debra, a bit shy as they made their way back down to the street.
The sudden sight of her rather sober appearance stunned everyone BUT Stephanie as she strolled down the street, "We're going to be late for the last movie!" She announced, suddenly impatient with them.
"Don't tell me you were faking that," Lilian blinked, plucking the number from Ivory's hands, "This'll go to better use in Molly's address book."
Ivory shrugged, "I was going to give it to her." She felt something vibrate against her hip, "The hell? Is that your cell phone, Lilian?"
"Yeah," She took it out of her pocket and checked on the incoming ID, "Duane!" She sighed rapturously.
"Vibrating phones would remind you of Duane," Snorted Ivory. Lilian chuckled and pressed it to her ear.
"Hi, Baby."
"Hi, Lili. How's The Rock's favorite girl?"
"Doing just fine; she's talking to you," Ivory sniggered, earning her an elbow in the side from Stephanie, "How's my big nummy man?"
"Your big nummy man's lonely, baby; He can't wait to see you in the morning.."
"Mmmmm...me too." Lilian purred in response, "What's going on, RockyLuv?"
"The Rock wanted to know how much you like.."
"Pie?! Strudel?!"
"No, chocolate."
"Chocolate?!" She frowned, "You're out in the middle of the woods; where are you going to get chocolate?"!
"Ummm...The Rock's going to make you some chocolate strudel when he gets home! Yeah, that's what he'll do."
She shivered, "I can't wait..."
"PRICE CHECK ON THE PINK CARNATIONS!" crackled through the cell phone.
"What was that?"
"Uh..Steve! He's great at birdcalls..."
"In the middle of the night?!"
"Ah...The Rock's free minutes are almost up...he really has to go potty....I'll see you in the morning sweet Shanghai Lili love.."
"But the middle of the night..."
"Bye!"
Lilain frowned, tucking the phone back into her pocket as they approached the movie theater, "That's the first time he's ever hung up on me!"
"It won't be the last time," Steph snickered, "Kurt has a habit of mistaking the ringer for the off button.."
"So he tells you," Debra zinged back, placing her pocketbook on the counter, "Four for 'Crossroads'."
"Brittany Spears?" Moaned Ivory, "I'll shoot whole kernels of popcorn out of my nose laughing!"
"It's the only thing that's playing," Debra noted astutely, "Besides, it'll probably empty; we can yell dirty things at the screen and no one'll be able to see us."
"Sounds like a time to me," Ivory noted, "Just gimmie some Pepsi to wash all of this booze down..."
As Debra had correctly noted, the Theatre was empty, which did indeed allow all four women to shout nasty things at Brittany. This didn't amuse the ushers, who had them tossed out, just as Brittany began to sing "I Love Rock And Roll".
"I'm paying for the cab," Lilian declared, punching the number in on her cell phone, "The least I can do, after all of the treating that went on tonight."
"Hope it gets here soon," Steph whined, "I have to go..."
"I told you to stop at four drinks," said Debra, amused. Within seconds, a cab pulled up, and all four women bundled into the back.
"Four Springs Apartments," Announced Deb.
"Why you first?!" Steph whined, shifting about in discomfort.
"It's the closest," She sighed pityingly, "And you can use my bathroom."
At that point, the distinctive ring of Steph's cell phone (Kurt's theme song, and only the first bar thereof) echoed in the cab; she grumpily grabbed it and flicked it open.
"Society of Kurt Angle luster's," She answered automatically, "Stephanie McMahon, Keeper of the wang speaking.."
"One day you're going to answer that thing and it's going to be your mother."
She giggled, "Mom always knows to call me at home. And you, tall, dark and stubby, should be sleeping. What's going on?"
"Oh...nothing...nothing....Do peonies make you sneeze?"
"Kurt, we're all aware that something's going on..."
"Just tell me: do peonies make you sneeze?"
"No, they don't...I'm not allergic to flow.."
"Good!" The phone then promptly disconnected.
Stephanie snarled, "Differentiate the off from the re-dial, you goon!" she stuffed the phone back into her pocket. The cab then rolled to a stop in front of Debra and Steve's apartment.
"OK," Debra reached out to hug each of her friends, "Aww, I'm gonna miss you girls this morning.."
"Then why don't we sleep over!" Lilian suggested desperately. Debra then handed HER a pitying look, "OK...I don't want to be alone..."
"You were alone every night of your life until you met him!" Said Ivory icily. "But," She softened, "Yeah, I don't want to go back to Heights without Steven."
"So, we're all romantic slobs," Said a desperate Stephanie as she hobbled out of the cab, "Let's go. NOW!"
Moving in a pattern, as they had all night, the women walked up to and entered the apartment; they all shrieked in unison at what they found.
Their boyfriends and husbands. In tuxedos. Holding roses.
"Steven! You said they kicked you out..." Ivory cried.
"..And you're supposed to be fighting off dear ticks in the woods with these other four yahoos," Stephanie commented.
"Ladies, I can't believe you actually can't tell when we're lying to you!" Said Steven, shaking his head, "And we weren't even fibbing!"
"Well, we're professional liars; hey, they're used to lying too," Kurt wiggled his fingers in mid-air, "Is it real or is it an illusion? Woo!"
Ivory wrapped her arms around her husband, and Stephanie approached her lover with caution, but Lilian actually looked crushed.
"Lili, baby, you know why The Rock'd never lie to you, right?"
"I'm going to assume this has to do with Valentines Day," she said softly, taking the rose from him and plucking the petals.
"Exactly!" He said, "The Rock loves his little Suggy wuggy..." They melted into an embrace, mercifully not seeing their friends pantomiming death at the hands of their sugary behavior.
"We wanted," Said Steve, "To surprise ya."
"Let me guess," Debra smirked, "You two," She indicated Duane and Steven, "Went shopping. This one," She indicated her husband, "Made a dinner of some sort, and that one," She indicated Kurt, "Charged too much money to his credit card to get Stephanie flowers."
"Almost, but not quite," Kurt said, "Come on, Steph, let's get out of here; I want to show you my surprise."
"Unless it's a bathroom," She said, "I'm not interested."
"You're not interested in sleeping on a carpet of flowers?"
"Carpet of flowers?" She echoed, a look of amazement coming over her face. "You read my diary again!"
"I have to get into your head some way," He joked.
"Home. Now!" She said, pulling him out of the apartment, waving back to her girlfriends.
"Can you top that, big boy?" Ivory joked.
"I can!"
"What did you do?"
"All of the shopping. For the next year. Non-perishables and canned goods only!"
She blinked up at him, "How...romantic." She said, in disappointment.
"We'll have enough antiseptic wash to get to Puerto Viarta..which is exactly where we're going, thanks to Kurt's getting us a CostCo membership and buying over $1,0000 in canned goods."
Ivory's eyes filled with tears and, passionately, she kissed him. "Take me home, husband."
"Sounds like a reasonable request." Steven smirked, taking her hand and leaving the apartment with his wife.
Duane kissed Lilian's chin, "The Rock can't compete with Puerto Viarta, but he knows how much you like strudel..."
"Duane!" she blushed, "Not in public!"
"...And anything sweet..." He raised a brow, "So how do ya feel about Russel Stovers?"
"He's not that bad.." She took the box of candy he held out to her.
"How about a whole lotta Russel Stovers."
"Well I.."
"Uh-uh! How about a GREAT BIG box of Russel Stovers Candy?!"
"Duane! I'd love it!"
"Well, I got you the world's biggest Whitman's Sampler," He grinned, "Happy Valentines Day, Baby!"
They kissed for such a long time that Steve and Debra actually became uncomfortable, "Uh, guys; the sun's coming up, and my rice is getting cold. Ya wanna finish this at home?"
"Yeah," Blushed Lilian, wrapping her arm around her boyfriend, "The man knows what I like!" She crowed, leaving the appartment with Duane.
Debra sighed, "Well, I hope I can say the same thing for you; what have you got up your sleeve, Steve?"
"Eh...nothing much...I suppose you don't want the gourmet feast I cooked you." Steve teased Debra.
"Does it involve dead birds?"
"Nope; I went out and killed a dear for you this morning. See, that's why we weren't lying; I got to do a little hunting after all." He pulled her into the dining room.
Her eyes goggled at what sat before her; a four-persons sting quartet; a sumptuous feast spread out, and Stephanie, their daughter, clean, dressed and ready to begin her day at six AM.
Debra threw herself into Steve's arms, "I love you!"
"I know!"
"You could be a little less confident about it," She joked, then she glanced down at her plate, "Is that Grappa Chicken?"
"How did you know?"
She smirked, "My friends have excellent taste."