An Awfully Handsome Brain
"All Polar bears are left-handed."
"What?"
"It's true; that's exactly what the sign says. How do you think they found out? What did they do, hand out pencils?"
"Maybe they sacrificed a few zookeepers to find out?"
"Don't be so morbid, Scott. There are kids present."
"Yeah, I know...hey, did you know that Babies are born without knee caps?"
"Oh, come on, that's not scientifically possible!"
"But it's true! They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Don't ask me how the little buggers learn how to walk..."
"Forget it...Let's go to the tropical fish exhibit."
"Fine with me..anything to avoid the lions; they freak me out."
"Still jealous of Jericho's hair?"
"No, Steven; it's just...stuff...hey, did you know that Cat's urine glows under a black light?"
"No, and I don't think I really wanted to know, either, Scott."
"Your loss; I'm surprised it wasn't used in acid tests. Imagine the hippies standing around staring at that; 'dude! It's so Shiny!"
"Anyway, fish: What do you know about fish?"
"That, grasshopper, if you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white."
"Why do I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of 'Pulp Fiction'?! How the hell would a GOLD fish turn white?!"
"It loses its pigmentation, cheesdick. If we put you in a dark room for an extended amount of time, you'd turn white too. And probably go blind."
"Jeasus, like I needed to know that."
"Oh, don't be a puss. Be happy you know English. China has more English-speaking citizens than the United States."
"Well, that actually makes sense; they have a massive population explosion."
"They don't have donkeys either; consider this: More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. If we banished donkeys from the continent, we'd have more native English speakers."
"Come on! They've gotta be counting Mexico in there! And DISCOUNTING September Eleventh!"
"Of course; do you really think that they take a census of donkey deaths every five months? No; getting ants drunk every month, however, that they do."
"What?!"
"In the interest of practical science, of course! And every single time they pass out, the ant always falls over on its right side."
"Bah, who would spend time getting an ant drunk? Leonardo Da Vinci?"
"Probably; he did a hell of a lot of shit on his life. Any man who invents airplanes and modern anatomical studies and scisors in his lifetime is a genius in my book."
"Come on, Scott; cool it with the factoids; that broad over there is staring at us."
"No; she's blinking; twice as much as we are, too. She probably read your column this month in the company Mag."
"That was a perfectly good column!"
"Good? Of course. But any time you find yourself wondering why you're laying me every night, think of this: The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Mmmmm....I'm starving...not for that! Food; I must be sustained.."
"How about pizza?"
"Pizza is good."
"Most Americans think so. On average we eat 18 acres of pizza every day."