Kiss My Soul
"Of course, I believe that Jeff loves Matt," I'm cooing like a bloody dove. "Why else would they spend hours tying themselves up into love knots over things?"
"I don't know," Poor Lance, with that hopeful, boyish expression on his face. "Jeff was looking at me." He smiles, "Willie, I think he smiled at me during lunch break."
I'll just pat his knee, "Oh, Lance, he always smiles. I think it has to do with the inordinately large amount of acid he takes. Perhaps instead of seeing you or I, he sees a gigantic Smurf-"
"But Lance, he even called me by my name!"
"That's different then!" I pat his knee and return to the delicious steam wafting upward from my tea pot, "Jolly good, jolly good."
Having tea in the middle of a locker room has proved calming for my poor soul. Lance seems to enjoy it as well; who else would need the calming beatification of sweet tea, but two fools who have experienced the pain of loving Jeffery Nero Hardy?
"You do realize that this won't get you anywhere." I say, "Jeff is still Matt's little creampuff."
"Well, that's something that can be rearranged," He insists. Poor, dear boy.
Just when I've lost hope, you fan up my flames.
"There are options, you know," I exposit, "There are...things you can try..."
"Are you suggesting I seduce Jeff Hardy?"
Well, that's jumping ahead of me a bit, you cheeky little monkey, "Well, I'm not adverse to the idea, if it gets you from point a to point bum."
He stares at me for a good long minute, "I'm not a seductive man, William."
"You don't give yourself enough credit. In fact, I believe you're quite handsome, for a Canadian." My humor falls rather flat.
"Thank you, but that's still not enough," His voice is flat and even. "Jeff is a God. I'm not."
"Don't worship so hastily, luv," I say, keeping my voice at a trusty, cozy level, "Matt isn't exactly a prize himself. Have you seen that chin?"
"Sure, he's matronly, but that won't get me anywhere..."
"Why?! You're trimmer, younger, and lovelier than he is. I say you seduce Jeff."
He pauses, thinking, apparently. Then he turns to me with that simple grin of his. "I must go put my leathers on." He tells me, walking away.
I'm somewhat unable to believe how successful my gambit has turned itself out. My plan is simple, if convoluted; Lance will seduce Jeff away from Matt; Jeff will eventually become bored of Lance. Jeff will seek out someone new.
I make myself available.
I should feel like a dirty bastard; God help me, I don't. Jeff feels tantalizingly close to my lips. Exactly where I want to feel him.
It shall only be a harmless fling.
But my thirst will be quenched. Whether it is for tea or flesh, I promise you this.