The End of The Innocence
Nights were the worst, for at night a fevered itch rose beneath her skin, like a heat rash blooming beneath the skin. As though it missed the sweet pierce of a needle.
In those moments she would die for a fix.
No one had explained it to her in rehab. After the violent illness that had accompanied her drying out period, they had treated her as a cured subject and passed her along to the universe of substance abuse counseling. A new therapist informed her that it would be a struggle to stay clean, something she now believed with all of her might.
She kicked away the thin blanket, which had offered her thin cover; suddenly, the night felt too warm to endure. Sticking her feet into some ratty old sneakers, Tammy left her van behind, deciding to clear her mind in the night air.
Once again among wilds, which had yielded over the process of the day to bulldozers, she smiled comfortably; somehow, she felt less like a squatter out here, with her own land beneath her wandering feet.
Still, from her plot, she could see Shawn's...one more thing forcing a less-friendly feeling from her being. In the blue-black night, she could see that he had built a fire pit...the remnants of a blaze still smoldered there...and had pitched a tent in his front yard. The fussy, class-conscious Shawn she'd always known never would have stooped to camping out, especially with a small child in tow. Something contrary within her emotional makeup decided to play nice with him.
Curiosity forced her across the paper road that stood in for an actual street. Curious, she knocked upon the tent flap; Shawn's head emerged immediately, squinting into the darkness. He wasn't wearing his contacts.
"Hey," She smiled, lamely, suddenly aware of a wintry chill, she bundled up more deeply into the old overcoat she had tossed on.
"Sun," He said sleepily. She shuddered under the weight of those words. "You cold?"
"Yes," She admitted, briefly, "It is awful cold here, for summer."
"Let's cut through the crap," He peered into the tent, apparently confirming that Cameron was still sleeping, then crawled out of the tent, zipping it closed behind him, "You hate me. Why are you here?"
She shrugged, "It looked warmer there than over in the van." He glanced over her shoulder, probably just barely able to see her vehicle through the distance.
"Why are you sleeping in that heap?" He asked her, "I mean, you have enough money to get your own plot of land?"
She chewed at her bottom lip, "I made a deal with my mother," She said, "This is supposed to keep me clean, and I just have to pay for food, gas, electric."
"Is it working?"
She smiled wanly, "Two months clean."
His own smile seemed weak, "Same here." Tammy seemed rather surprised that he had fallen off the wagon, and he added, "I can't be around the business anymore."
"Me neither," She peered at the tent once more, "How can you afford all of this?"
"Bought it with the last of my cash advance from McMahon," He admitted, "I did a string of shows for the company. I needed something to keep Cameron safe while I took some courses."
Tammy smiled, "You're really serious about getting out of the business, aren't you?"
He nodded, "I'm starting next week as a councilor with the C.Y.M, downtown."
"Christian Youth Ministries?" He nodded, "Then you've found your own personal Jesus."
Shawn nodded, "I don't suppose I can interest you in finding our Heavenly Father today?"
She shook her head, "I've already been enlightened, thanks." He couldn't dismiss the cold tone within her voice, and sought to break through it.
"Part of growing into the faith is forgiveness," Shawn began, "And I'm sorry; I haven't made the time to apologize to you for all of the crap I pulled on you. I'm sorry for the 'Sunny Days' stuff, the ribs I pulled; my behavior was really inexcusable, and the only way I can explain it is to tell you honestly about my addiction."
"You don't need to," Tammy laughed, "Everyone knew you were stoned out of your mind back then."
Shawn blushed and looked at his feet. "I'm trying to grow up, for the sake of Cameron."
"He's a sweet child," Tammy mildly said.
Shawn grinned rapaciously, "Isn't he beautiful?"
"He is...He doesn't look much like you, I must presume his mother..."
Shawn's expression darkened, "His mother died in childbirth."
Tammy blanched, "Oh, I'm so sorry.."
"She had a condition that wouldn't let her blood clot correctly. It couldn't be helped," He bowed his head, "Part of my penance for being so evil. I was drunk at the time."
"I'm sorry," She repeated.
He shook his head, "It's over now," He sighed, "I'm just sorry that Cam has to suffer for my sins."
Pity had touched Tammy's soul, "I've done some things that I'm not too proud of."
"Like?"
"Everyone knows about my mistakes...the whole world probably does...drugs...posing nude for that website. It took me too long to admit that I was going astray from the best path." She took a look at the surrounding universe that was now their shared home and said, "I wish I weren't so dependent on this business. I think that all I really want is to go back to my nineteenth birthday and have a do-over. Did you know that I wanted to be a veterinarian? I had to settle for owning a bunch of pets," Her eyes darkened, "Chris took them."
"Yeah," Shawn's sympathy felt real, true to Tammy, "It's too late now." His expression held an extra poignancy, "It's too late." He backed away from Tammy, creeping into the tent, "I have to get to bed, I'm starting tomorrow and.."
She held up a palm, "You don't have to excuse yourself. I'm the one who came over. I'll just go back to bed.."
"I'll see you?" It was a plaintive question, surprisingly so from someone so arrogant.
She paused at his tone, then nodded, "Yes." She heard the tent zip closed behind her as she continued her long, lonely walk back to her truck.
Burrowing under layers of blanket, Tammy shivered. Not from the cold, but in memory of ghostly shadows which haunted her. They lingered on from years she cared to disregard.
Years she only wished to throw away.
Years that Shawn Michaels, and his vicious, cavalier attitude had crushed and ruined beyond a repairing touch.