A Daughter's Letters To Her Father
Dear Daddy,
Uncle Sam said I should write this to you because it would make me feel a lot better. I dunno why it's supposed to do that, 'cause mommy said nothing's gonna ever bring you back. She's tired a lot, and she yells at Uncle Sam more than she usually does. Grandma's eyes are sad, and she's smoking a little more lately.
Uncle Sam says you didn't mean to leave us, and you did everything you could so you could come back safe. I like Uncle Sam so much that I don't wanna tell him I think he's wrong. I'm sitting here trying to remember what you look like, and I can almost remember the way you used to smile, the way you used to grit your teeth and the way your eyes looked when you hugged me.
It's been a year since you went. I'm still in school (Uncle Sam says you'd be proud of me, but mama rolls her eyes whenever he says it. 'Do you think Michael cared about school? LIFE was school to him,' she'd say to him, and Uncle Sam would just sigh and say mommy's going through some stuff, and not to bug her). Sometimes I watch her looking out the window at the beach, like she's thinking really hard about something.
She taught me how to make up a C4 pack yesterday, and said I was careful, like you.
I dunno what to say, so I guess I should just say bye.
- Sammi
Dear Daddy,
Today, we went to the cemetery to tell you happy birthday. Mommy wanted to spend time by herself with you, Uncle Sam took me to see his new girlfriend, Veronica (he says you knew her a long time ago, 'cause they used to be that when you were alive). She let me paint my nails so they'd look nice when I came to see you.
It's really quiet out there. And pretty, too, but not as pretty as Grandma's house. Mama had me put some flowers with you, and say hi.
I don't know if you'd like it there, daddy. It's nice and calm and pretty, and I don't think those things are things you liked a lot. Mama said that everything's the way it is, and there's no changing something when it's this far gone. I dunno if she says it so she can feel better. Mama didn't cry at all, so I tried to be like her, but I did get a little sad.
I miss you.
-Sammie
Dear Daddy,
I made a hundred on my science quiz! Uncle Sam was so proud of me, and grandma pinned it on the fridge. Uncle Sam says I should keep it up, and be a scientist. Mommy says as long as I keep on doing what I'm doing everything'll be good for me. She was real proud in her own way. We had sundaes down at Carlitos together.
- Sammie
Dear Daddy,
It's Christmas, and Grandma took me to Church. She and Mommy got into a big fight because she didn't want me to go there alone. Uncle Sam had to make them stop, but Mommy grabbed me and made me go back home with her.
I didn't like church much. It was quiet but pretty inside, with lots of candles. Grandma and I lit candles for you before we watched the Mass. That was nice, too, but it wasn't as nice as the one we saw last year in the Bawneys with Mommy.
Tomorrow we open presents at Uncle Sam's.
I Miss you.
-Sammi
Dear Daddy,
Today, I saw Uncle Sam crying all by himself on the porch. I know he didn't want me to see him, 'cause when I opened the door he wiped his eyes and tried to teach me the names of the different bottles of beer he had with him. We ended up playing with my marbles. He wouldn't say why he was so sad.
- Sammi
Dear Daddy,
Mommy and I moved to the new house today. I'm gonna miss the place we used to live, even the noise from the club under our feet all the time. Mommy says I'm too much like you when I tell her that.
- Sammi
Dear Daddy,
Uncle Sam took me to the father-daughter dance. Everyone knew I don't have a daddy anymore, but if anyone asked I told 'em Sam was my Earth-daddy and you were my heaven-daddy. Uncle Sam said he was very proud of me, but mommy laughed. 'A bit sentimental, Tad,' she says. But when I tell her you're with Aunt Claire, she smiles like she knows it's true.
- Sammi
Dear Daddy,
Today, we went to Uncle Sam's place for pizza. I saw him holding hands with mommy, but I think it's cause he's very sad he broke up with Aunt Veronica (I'm so gonna miss her). I have a new best friend named Terri and two goldfish named Smart and Spit.
- Sammi
Daddy,
I'm so mad at Uncle Sam and I can't tell you why.
Dear Daddy,
Grandma said you can see everything, so I guess I should say that Uncle Sam and Mommy are dating now. Me and mommy fought about it. I don't wanna see Uncle Sam ever again
Daddy,
Would you be mad if they got married?
I don't know if I'm sad about it anymore. And if you can see them together, you'll know they're really happy with each other. It's sweet to see them make up from their fights. Uncle Sam loves me a lot, and I know he doesn't know what to say to me. And he's the only dad I've got on Earth.
I love them both and I don't want them to keep staring at me like I'm gonna blow up.
- Sammi
Dear Daddy,
Today, I went to your grave all by myself. It was quiet there, and I took the time to sit and think. I know you would want mama to be happy - Uncle Sam too. And me. They got married this morning - I'm still wearing my dress.
So I'm gonna stop writing for awhile and try to get used to Mommy and Uncle Sam being msttirf.
Last year I didn't know why I was writing these letters to you. But now I know why. I needed someone to talk to, someone to understand. Now I know mommy and Uncle Sam understand.
But maybe I'll write to you again sometime. When I need you.
But I'll always need you.
I love you,
- Sammi